From helpless to hopeful

From helpless to hopeful - how I did something meaningful to help around gendered violence.

Like many people I’ve been feeling increasingly distressed about gendered violence. I’ve been reading and having conversations with friends but felt stranded on two levels. Firstly, I didn’t know where to start. How could I do something that might make a meaningful difference to what felt like a hopeless situation? Secondly, despite feeling like I was across the issues enough to have a conversation about it, I couldn’t manage to engage my family of males on the topic.

Now, partly thanks to the support of a Second 50 woman, I have found a charitable organisation where I know my contribution will make a concrete difference. What’s more, in the process I have unexpectedly opened up constructive dialogue about this all-important issue with my family.

Conversations about gendered violence in a home full of males

I’m a mother of three teenage boys, so acutely aware of the gendered nature of power imbalance and the need for males to engage in both the discussion and solution around gendered violence. I don’t know the experience of others, but having conversations on this topic at my home has not been easy.

As I have gotten increasingly upset about violence (and deaths) I’ve seen reported in the media, I’ve shared articles, voiced facts and asked questions of the boys (including my husband) about why this is happening. I could see their discomfort. Their reactive response was clear: We don’t do that, our friends don’t do that; the problem is not in our backyard. But I know the complexity of this wicked problem means that statistically, it is in every single one of our backyards. Yet, I was struggling to communicate this without making it seem like I was accusing them of being complicit.

So, I turned to a friend, Dr Ellie Freedman, who is a long-time sexual assault and violence physician and educator (yep, she’s also a member of Second 50!). Ellie said that the reason many males shut down on the subject of gendered violence is because they hear the message that their maleness, or masculinity, makes them a bad person. “Although most victims of gendered violence are women and most of the perpetrators are men, the issue is much more complex than that,” she says. “We need to invite men into the conversation as equals, as people who might need to respond to friends or workmates who need help.”

Despite this good advice, I continued to have difficulty prompting a constructive conversation, so I turned my attention to how I could help in other ways.

Finding a way to directly help those affected by gendered violence

In April this year, a month when 11 women died at the hands of men, I told my husband, Eddie, that we needed to do something. I was met with a helpless shrug. He was distressed about the statistics too, but pointed out that neither of us had the time or skills to improve what appeared to be an insurmountable problem.

One thing I thought we could do was to donate some money, so I suggested we stop our contributions to a long-term giving program that was no longer meaningful to us and repurpose those funds into a charity that made a difference to gendered violence. “Great idea,” he said. The next hurdle was finding the right charity. I didn’t want to make an anonymous donation to a random charity; I wanted to find an organisation making positive change happen. One where my contribution would make a difference.

Then I remembered that one of our Second 50 members, Sarah Metcalf, has decades of expertise in philanthropy. We met on Zoom and Sarah guided me through a helpful process of how to find a charity that was both meaningful for me and that would have an impact – no matter how large or small. (You can read her fab member blog about this, which she wrote at my request). During our chat, Sarah mentioned a couple of organisations that she works strategically with that she thought might fit my criteria and after our call, I did some research.

One of the organisations was 4 Voices, with a mission to connect girls and women seeking change by reducing isolation, domestic and family violence and homelessness through the power of connection. Everything I read about 4Voices’ grassroots approach made so much sense and resonated with me. And, as a total Second 50 bonus, it was founded by Jo Westh, a woman who decided at the age of 60 that she wanted to dedicate her immense skills and energy to make positive change happen as part of her own legacy!

My enthusiastic thanks to Sarah was greeted by an intro email to Jo. Happily, Jo was planning to be in Sydney the following week and she invited me to see a shift in action at Waterloo. I asked Eddie to join me for what he later described as an “extraordinary” and “transformative” experience.

The 4Voices bright purple solar-powered van named Hope was set up like a mobile café, with trestle tables and hot drinks, outside OzHarvest and between several public housing high rises where thousands of people live. Watching Jo and her volunteer team interact with everyone, friendly smiles, active listening, gifting free hot drinks to anyone who wanted one, alongside a wide range of practical support and assistance showed the value of caring, customer-driven support that is easy to access and flexible to each woman’s needs.

On the way home, Eddie said it was potent for him to see the need in real life and hear Jo’s stories from recent shifts and the Brisbane to Sydney trip 4Voices made a couple of months ago, stopping at 40 regional towns along the way. What she had seen and learned about women who face violence, homelessness and isolation had clearly shocked Jo and even the little she shared with us rocked Eddie.

He said: “I didn’t understand it before and you couldn’t have explained the quantum of the need to me. I had no frame of reference for the life of women who need someone to talk to, or the kinds of help they need.”

Back to the dinner table conversations

When we got home from the 4Voices shift, we made our first donation and agreed we’ll make an ongoing monthly contribution to this fantastic organisation. That night, Eddie told the boys about his experience and what he’d learned around the dinner table. He spoke in detail about the vans and current services and why he believed they needed to expand. “There are four vans at the moment but there probably needs to be 400 - or maybe 800,” he told our boys.

Our monthly contribution won’t fund a whole van and it certainly won’t end gendered violence, but it will help 4Voices to run a couple of shifts and I know that what we give will be used to help women in a caring, practical way. Turning up where women are, listening and helping them with whatever they need – whether that’s exploring options, connecting to family members or relevant services, making a CV so they can find a job, registering for Centrelink payments, filling in forms or even lending a laptop so their children can do some homework. Making positive change happen.

Our conversations at the dinner table, while still not fully free flowing on this topic, have become more meaningful since Eddie shared his experience at the 4Voices shift. Maybe it was me inviting my sons into the conversation as equals, as suggested by Ellie? I also think it was vastly helped by Eddie, as the older male in the household, seeing the reality of life for many families and being able to talk about specific hard realities rather than just concepts and statistics.

Reflecting on how I went from helplessness to hope

I now feel like I have done something tangible and useful to help women affected by gendered violence. And I have also managed to start a more constructive conversation with my family. In hindsight, it wasn’t that hard. I did a bit of self-reflection, explored new possibilities for how I could act, then, importantly, called on the wisdom within our Second 50 community.

I now can’t stop telling people about 4Voices and their services! I am also delighted to say that Jo Westh is now a Second 50 foundation member! Looking ahead, I’m thinking about getting involved as a volunteer. Jo tells me that 4Voices currently has 4 vans (in Brisbane, Gold Coast, Ipswich area and Sydney), 350 volunteers and two paid staff. She says they’re very keen to welcome more volunteers who love to help others over a cuppa and have three hours space once a week or fortnight. Driving one of their groovy purple vans is optional (but much needed).

Ultimately, 4Voices are looking for people who seek to make the world a better place. That’s me! And, maybe other Second 50 women might like to join me?

Find out more about 4 Voices outreach volunteers to provide support to girls and women in need www.4voices.org.au/volunteer

Second 50 members can join the community discussion on this topic here.