Have you got time for a cuppa?
Have you got time for a cuppa while we have a small chat?
If not, that’s ok – I get that there are only so many hours in a day.
If you do have a moment – even 5 or 10 minutes – then please go grab your favourite. Maybe a strong black tea? A herbal or a coffee?
Go on, I can wait...
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OK, cuppa in hand? I’m keen to have a chat about women experiencing violence and isolation. We all know this is an important conversation, but it can also be a hard one.
So, I promise to keep this short (ish) today.
One of the most recent reasons I know that gendered violence is such a difficult topic is that we ran a Sage Advice Live session on it in September and hardly anyone came to it.
That’s extremely unusual in our active and engaged community, so I am guessing that it might have been less about people being busy and more about this topic being so difficult, even overwhelming. For some women, it might hit too close to home and for others, it feels like such a wicked problem that we can’t do anything about?However, in Second 50, we’re very fortunate to have two women who are used to thinking and talking about gendered violence, including knowing how hard it can be. And as such, their hour-long Sage Advice Live turned out to be surprisingly full of hope and opportunity.
A few thoughts and ideas
How’s that cuppa going? If you’ve got a few more minutes to spare, here are some thoughts and ideas I took from the session. I have popped them down below in no particular order, so feel free to read in detail or simply skim until you find a section you’re interested in and comfortable with.
Here’s goes...
♦ Experts in the field of gendered violence can be fuelled by their own personal experiences.
Jo Westh, who is a Second 50 member and 4Voices founder (an organisation that offers a cuppa and a chat to isolated women) shared how she was bullied, sexually assaulted and discriminated against in her previous workplace. For a long time, she kept quiet about her experiences in order to keep her job, which was essential given that she was a single mum. But, one day – when she was 60 - she suddenly realised that her seeming acceptance of these unacceptable behaviours was not the modelling she wanted to show her 4 kids. Jo didn’t just talk about it, she started an amazing charity to help other women find their voice.
« Clear cut language of ‘innocent victim’ and a ‘predatory perpetrator’ is not always helpful.
Dr Ellie Freedman, also a Second 50 member and sexual health and sexual assault physician and educator, gave terrific insights about why and how the patients she helps don’t always speak about or even recognise violence. Instead, they might talk about feeling isolated or scared; or they might identify that they feel controlled or are worried about their kids. Importantly, they often don’t feel that their situation fits neatly into a box of them being a ‘victim’ and their partner being an ‘evil abuser’. Ellie encourages all of us to recognise that people’s lives are complex and no two situations are the same. It is helpful if our language reflects this. If we use language that excludes someone, we lose the chance to create connections and change.
+ Instead of focussing on ending the violence (which is admirable but not necessarily possible in the immediate moment), consider what help or support a woman needs today.
Jo notes that, if a woman is homeless, she’s unlikely to be able to focus on counselling and might instead need practicalities like food and housing. If she’s struggling to pay for the next meal, she’s more likely going to appreciate help with accessing Centrelink than discussing how to leave her current situation. Or she might simply appreciate a cuppa and a conversation that is about anything else other than violence. That’s why 4Voices gives away free coffee and tea to anyone who wants it – in Jo’s world, she has witnessed so much positive change that began with a simple cuppa.
Ø Connection is not just a concept, it’s incredibly powerful.
Jo shared a number of beautiful examples of the way 4Voices partners with women to help them. One example nailed the essence of how we might all make a difference to someone in our own communities. Jo shared a story about a woman who came to Australia from Russia 40 years ago and who is extremely isolated as a result of never having learned English, her husband dying 15 years ago and not having much money. The 4Voices volunteers use Google Translate to have a cuppa and a chat with Toma every week. It’s obviously never in huge detail but the connection she experiences is magical. And now, in between times, they let her know via text that they are thinking of her (in Russian!).
= There are many organisations and experts working hard to solve this big, complex problem, but don’t think they have everything under control.
No-one can solve this alone (even for one person, let alone for everyone). No-one has all the answers (or even most of them). One thing this Sage Advice Live session highlighted is that we can all help make small, incremental, positive changes from raising our awareness, having conversations and knowing helpful and unhelpful ways to respond. Whether that’s with a friend who might need support, a colleague, neighbour or relative – male and female alike.
Your cup’s probably empty by now. But maybe your virtual cup has been filled even just a little by some of these ideas.
It’s fine to head off now.
However, if you’re interested to stay with this topic for a while longer, or to revisit it next time you have a few minutes, here are some ideas for how to do that...
If you are a Second 50 member…..
Second 50 members can watch the replay of the Sage Advice Live session. It runs for one hour and goes into more detail on each of the thoughts above (plus some other stories, conversations and questions that were really interesting).
Members can also check out our ‘Resource Roundup’ on this topic, where we have curated some of the most helpful community posts and discussions, as well as external sources with insights and resources (shared by our experts), including from people who are experiencing (or have experienced) violence.
Practical ideas everyone can explore….
You could have a go at practising a constructive conversation on this topic, including using flexible and inclusive language and not assuming the answers are easy, with male family members, friends or communities.
You could undertake to be ‘present’ with any women you meet – whether in your work, volunteering or personal life – by listening to what they need. Sometimes, just offering a cuppa and making yourself available for a non-judgemental chat can make all the difference to someone.
You could give volunteering a go with an organisation doing good work in this area. If you’re in Brisbane, Ipswich, the Gold Coast or Sydney, Jo’s organisation, 4Voices, sets up solar-powered purple caravans with an awning, tables and chairs, wi-fi, phones, laptops and, of course, free cuppas to offer and a safe space to talk and be heard and helped with whatever they need. Jo also has opportunities for back-room support roles and telephone roles across Australia. Find out more about volunteering with 4Voices here.
Remember that every small action adds up. Whether you’re reaching out to a friend who might need support or chatting to friends when gendered violence is discussed in the media, small actions and being mindful about language can help shift the narrative.
Hey, thanks for still being here.
Here’s to one cuppa and one conversation at a time.
Carolyn x